my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
