Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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