then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
