Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
