Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
