omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
