Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
