She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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