i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
