There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
