He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
