Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i now understand why vodka
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
