We won't sleep together?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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