she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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