Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
