A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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