I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
