The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
