Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
