just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
