but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
