Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
