hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
