..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
