i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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