My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
