his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
