Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
