he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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