since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
