She is in my trunk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
