My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
