i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
