Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
