I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
