The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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