Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
