my phone needs a breathalizer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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