I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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