Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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