3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
