so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
