I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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