I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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