I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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