i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
