Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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