only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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