Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
