remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
