Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
