he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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