I met the friendliest cop last night
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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