I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I had to cum in my sink.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
